It’s hot.

A peaceful and soul soothing week of holidays lead me home to a week of extreme heat, physical overload as we prepare the farm for winter (that’s what summer actually means when you live on a farm – it is merely a time to reload, rebuild and restock because Winter is coming!)

I’m tired.

Two nights in a row I have been woken from sleep by sounding alarms; first a low battery smoke detector screaming at 3:00 am and then an amber alert with three updates at 3:30 am the next night (no I didn’t call 911 to complain … my interrupted sleep sucked, but I could find gratitude in my problems over theirs with little issue!)

So, for better or worse this afternoon I’m hot and tired!

It had me hiding in my office and my keyboard invited me to sit a spell!

I always know when it’s time to write! Things go sideways, my head fills with so many different ideas for blogs, or books, that it starts to get angry without a release and I know all too well that these creative sparks burn out if you don’t tend to them!

My holidays were an amazing time to step away from my ‘business’ (I use the term lightly because I haven’t fully committed to anything, nor is it a fully functional business at this point) In fairness my holidays offered me an opportunity to step away from the creation of my business (because in reality I haven’t actually nailed down how to be “in person, online and everywhere I envision what I want to do taking me”!)

It’s a hellish limbo really, and what I am struggling with is in part the fear of being successful … sounds completely ridiculous (and in my head as I write this, I can hear the nasty inner critic saying ‘you got nothing to fear’ cause you ain’t that good!)

So, there it is; success feels invasive and like a hella lotta work, but if I listen to nasty inner critic, I can just bumble around in my office playing small and offering myself wee creative opportunities that make me feel just enough ‘in service’ to stay sane!

I love my work, and I’m good at what I do! Being in service is where I find my greatest joy and purpose! Giving myself the opportunity to just run with it, to let go of the idea that I’m not a priority, that my business doesn’t deserve my full attention; that my kids (full disclosure the youngest is 27 this year and I fear not being there for them if they need me)

At 53, the passed 32 years have been about being ‘mom’ and my perspective on what that means has changed considerably in the last 5 years (when your youngest is 22 and you’re holding off having a life because the ‘kids’ might need you – you’re the problem!)

Even with the slow shifting perspectives I find myself holding back, and it all comes back to a twisted belief that I’m not a priority, that my needs can only be a priority if no one else needs me… ridiculous … and lately I have found myself wondering if perhaps I am using all of it as an excuse?

Okay … full disclosure I’m not wondering; I know, and fully own that I am the only thing standing between me and the business fulfillment I want. Period.

So, what now?

First off, I shake off the dust, I let go of all the ‘influences & influencers’ who I have been following intently for inspiration … because I’m not being inspired, I am being lead … away from my own creativity down their creative path; and hey, that wouldn’t be a bad thing if I didn’t have these dreams of my own! But I do; and I need to honour them!

I am a creative; I have all the trainings and certifications I need to create the programs I want to share … I don’t need to be inspired; I need to get off my ass and create!

This passed few weeks since holidays I have been letting go, and yesterday with the Black Moon as my witness I set intentions, I created plans and I am excited for the first time in a long time!

UPDATE : I began this blog post last Thursday … 5 days have passed and whatever was inspiring me to write about priorities and success and having to have it all laid out in a plan to execute has gotten a big ole kick in the karma pants … let’s recap shall we!

My original writing was interrupted by a call from my daughter telling me she had sustained a concussion at the farm she is looking after; wasn’t sure what had happened but knew she wasn’t quite right; and so, it began!  This blog and everything else that I had on the go was tabled until further notice.

In the midst of dealing with her obvious concussion I had also committed to having my grandson for part of the weekend – picking him up from a friend while Dad is away for the weekend. The pick up was to happen Sunday morning but in the wee hours of Saturday morning (12:30 am to be exact) we get word that he is at the emergency room of the local hospital with a possible broken leg.

The emergency room adventure didn’t end until 4:30 am Saturday morning and we were told it could be broken in two spots but x-ray doesn’t open until 9:00 am so go home and come back at 8:30 … sigh! Teenage boys are always hungry and so at 5:15 am after getting home Jake was at my kitchen table enjoying a large bowl of tortellini … then we slept … sort of; until 7:00am

As I turned out horses and cleaned the barn I thought about this blog being unfinished and wondered if I could find the flow I was on and be able to finish it, and while my worry for Mel and Jake was spiking, I found myself laughing so hard … because this is exactly what always happens when I make the commitment to my work!

How can my family not be the priority?

You don’t get to put this kind of ‘life’ on hold while you write, or create courses, or plan retreats … this shit is a priority of its own; and it demands your attention! Turns out the leg isn’t broken, and Mel is slowly healing; it’s now Tuesday, the heat has broke and I am listening to a beautiful and much needed rainfall, trying to once again find a place of priority for my work.

I booked an appointment for my dog with the Vet this afternoon; I have been putting it off because I really don’t want to deal with what I know is coming. She has been struggling for a while now, I’m fairly certain based on behaviour and symptoms that she has a tumour in her sinus cavity, she’s 12, and after watching my son and his wife go through a similar situation with their dog a few years back I know in my heart this isn’t going to end well.

I also know it isn’t something I get to put off until I feel like it … for certain I am never going to feel like letting go of this dog. This morning was a turning point because up until today there were no outward signs that anything is wrong … today however there is swelling and a look of confusion on her face that tells me I don’t get to put this off anymore.

So, with rain falling I am finishing up this blog while I wait to head to an appointment, I couldn’t possibly dread more … and I realize NOW is all I have; NOW is my Self, my family, my dog, my business and everything that matters in my life!

If I make being in the NOW my priority; I will always be exactly where I am most needed.

Everything in it’s own time; allowing myself the space to be in the moments, to feel all the feels (even these heart wrenching painful ones that threaten to change my life forever) and find gratitude for this wildly unpredictable life … in the end this is what I want to share with clients, and what better way to share than by my own example?

I am reminded of Big Magic, a book that convinced me to share my creativity in the first place, and Brené Brown’s permission slips that allow you to be both brave and vulnerable all at once; and while I struggle with whether to share this blog, or just file it with my journals I assure myself that I am not alone in the emotional mash of today; and perhaps sharing my struggle will remind someone else too?  Be well … you’re not alone … this too shall pass … and perhaps the greatest lesson comes from my pets in teaching that the priority is always NOW! xo