Full Moon energy got me feeling my usual push/pull of Virgo/Pisces (rising & sun sign) on a deeper level than I have ever experienced … it’s a little overwhelming, but at the same time I am being called into it as a gateway to a new way of being; a grounded invitation to fly, to let my intuition lead and let go of the need for perfection first!

The passed year has been the stuff of nightmares, grief has consumed most of who I thought I was, and a great deal of what I thought I wanted … allowing myself to truly be with the process of grieving has created movement towards deep healing, wounds are slowly making the transformation to wisdom, and I have opened my heart to the inner knowing that there is no end game, no magical place of being free of this pain, ‘healed’, if you will … there is only this new path, with these new scars, and forever altered perceptions … and that is okay!

I am not the first mother to lose a child, or watch another child struggle, without undermining myself, spiritually bypassing or minimizing my pain compared to someone else’s; I am finding the space for grief and joy to exist in my life … at the same time.  It is both amazing and terrifying; I run the entire gamut of emotions about it on a regular basis, especially when I allow social judgment to collide with my inner knowing!

The idea that I am not checking all the boxes of how everyone around me has decided I should grieve and get on with my life is of course an obstacle.  I began writing my book a day or two after my son died; a journal of grief and healing within my practices … all my feelings, questions, and fears in the moment, raw and real … it’s painful to edit, and so I have chosen not to… it will forever be raw, like my travels through this experience.

One of the great challenges throughout those early days was the well meaning advice about taking some time – but not too long; letting myself be sad but not losing sight of how to be happy; grief I have discovered makes most people wildly uncomfortable!  They either turn away completely leaving you feeling isolated and alone, or reject your feelings and offer you alternative feelings in an effort to divert you to something easier for them to be with.

In the beginning I was so desperate to hold the space I had once held; that I created all sorts of ways to disconnect from what people were unable to be with … the idea that I could grieve privately and smile publicly was proven to be impossible rather quickly!

What I needed was connection; what I didn’t need was advice – of any sort, about any of what was happening, unless I specifically asked for it!  What I discovered as I navigated it all was that there was no one thing anyone could say or do that would make this ‘better’; they didn’t need some profound offering of a plan to make me whole, they needed to simply hold space, they needed to meet me wherever I showed up; even if it felt like I was going backwards … I needed them to just bare witness to my process without judgement. This is where time in the Herd has proven to be the best therapy; accepted exactly as I am, there are no judgements, there is only my space in the Herd and the expectation that I be real in what I am feeling and it align with how I am acting … living my truth fully held = healing with horses.

The painful beautiful lessons I am learning, these wounds and how I am nurturing them with ritual and practice amongst my Herd, guided by nature has opened my ‘work’ here At hOMe to a whole new level; levels I am still trying to fully embody, articulate and create – what I know is I am remembering under this Full Moon in preparation for the coming Spring Equinox … who I really am.  The invitation of this Full Moon to let creativity and intuition carve a new path and way of being, speaks directly to the new programs and the vision I have created for this business of ours.

This month we will celebrate a heavenly birthday for Derek, this beautiful Moon will wane over it and find it’s way to darkness and come out on the other side … under a New Moon, in a new Season of Change … what will you embrace?