I started this blog at 11:00 am this morning … it’s now 9:30 pm! I have no idea how many times I have left my desk, ways I have been distracted, thought about hitting delete, or wondered what I started out to say … but here it is … raw and real, dumped on the journal!
A week ago, I had just finished two challenges with entrepreneurial groups that I belong to; one to jump start out of stagnation ( a place I have been for a long time in terms of my business), and the other on mastering course creation ( a dream I hold for taking my work to the online world)!
For the first time in a very long time I was feeling really motivated! I had outlined my top three courses, started looking at how the platform I purchased could house them, and I was optimistic that I could have them all in place for the New Year!
To be clear; the ‘New Year’ is less than 4 weeks away, with Christmas right up in there too … a classic case of underestimating the amount of work these projects might take; and an even greater over sight; that, being entrenched in work at this time of year isn’t going to fill my heart with joy!
I have been experiencing ‘failure to launch’ for over a year now, but suddenly this passed couple weeks I decide ‘now’ is the time! This is where my attempts to live in self love turn to self sabotage … again!
I will say this about myself, I am consistent!
All this creative mojo, that I fear will dissipate if I don’t act on it immediately … and of course ‘immediately’ has me house training a brand new 8 week old puppy, and playing general contractor to the new addition we are putting on our home … so ya, throw in Christmas, and a few courses to create because you know how well you do under stress!
Normally right about now I would be getting pissy; I would be deep in this internal dialogue that starts with, ‘you never finish anything you start why would this be any different’, and ends with ‘whatever, no one would have bought into any of it anyway!’ My inner critic doesn’t surface much these days, but when she does I gotta wonder who pays her to be so nasty?
Today however; I am three pages into notes about my ideas, even did a couple of video chats to myself, so that when I get back to this; it will all feel fresh again! Timing is the issue here, not the validity of my work, or my commitment to my intentions! No need to go off the rails with my inner critic, I got this!
I am blessed with flexibility in my business growth, and in the spirit of ‘Restmas’ (my theme for December to combat the chaos of commercialism!) I am letting myself off the proverbial hook and tabling my new projects to January!
With my new pup curled up under my desk and the sound of cement filling foundation forms outside my window I am completely free of negative self talk; every little thing is happening as it should … I am grateful.
Which wasn’t entirely the case yesterday; I hadn’t quite caught my inner critic at that point; she had me running from thing to thing, grateful wasn’t how I was feeling … I was frustrated!
The puppy messed on the floor, my yard is a complete disaster of excavation and construction, I wanted to be at my desk building courses but there was all this ‘stuff’ that had to be done; and I couldn’t take my eyes off this puppy for fear of where it might mess next … out of control was how I felt!
Therein lies the issue … my need for control!
You see for the better part of this passed year I have been in ‘surrender’ mode. My theme this year has been to trust the situations, live the moments and not worry about the outcome, or try to control the way it all unfolds … and honestly, I have been doing great! Until I wasn’t!
The good news; and there is a lot of good news here to unpack!
1. I caught myself, I didn’t beat myself up about it … I just stopped!
2. I harnessed the creative muse, wrote it all down and created a map to navigate it when I have time.
3. I leaned into gratitude … a new puppy and an addition on my home? Hello? Blessed!
4. I identified a few triggers – too much, is too much and I can’t handle it – it doesn’t matter if its good or bad, just too much, is too much … sit down and breathe, this too shall pass!
5. Also, I have no boundaries with my business identity … every other thing that happens in my life takes priority over any business aspirations I have! I need to do some serious work here!
Surrender isn’t my default … yet!
I will admit at first, I was quite disappointed with myself for going so off the rails; but when I sat with what was happening and how I was feeling; I realized I needed the reminder of how far I have come!
That’s the magic in the madness isn’t it?
The recognition of just how far we have come?
The awareness, the consciousness of the back slide … that’s where focus needs to go … five years ago I would have derailed, no awareness, just chaos until I exhausted myself, then I would have wallowed in it, until some other disaster (aka LIFE) came along to distract me!
I know I’m not alone … you can relate!
In some area of your life you have made progress, lost ground, recovered and leveled up … I know you have! Two steps forward and one back … the cha-cha of growth!
What I know for sure, is this is the crazy, freestyle dance of a life well lived! The band is riffing it out right now and as I try to keep up, I need to let myself feel, there is no choreography to follow, just surrender to the rhythm, and live life awake!